Roy Zimmerman - The Lyrics

Vasectomy
words and music by Roy Zimmerman
© 1998 Watunes (BMI)
(From Comic Sutra - Live at Luna Park)

[spoken]
I got a vasectomy, 'cause I had a coupon. And it seemed like a good Mother's Day present for my wife. We have our two kids, you know, and we believe in Zero Population Growth, 'cause we live in a small apartment. And a vasectomy is no big deal, they still hang together, they just don't talk to each other.

The first step is the shaving, which I gotta say I did not find sexy at all. I know there are whole specialty periodicals on this very subject. But for me, shaving my nards was . . . Larry King in a swimsuit, it was about that sexy.

And I did too much, frankly. They don't tell you how much to do. Guys, it's just your balls, you don't have to look like a damn Ken doll.

I'm in the waiting room, reading Sports Illustrated because I wanna get that last little shot of testosterone. And I'm kind of apprehensive, you know. The guy next to me says, "You think they're gonna make it?" And I said, "No, they're gonna fall off." And then I realized he's talking about the Lakers.

And the nurse calls me in, and she's gorgeous, you know, she's 5-11 in heels, big pointy breasts, "Vasectomy Barbie." And I'm standing there with the gown open in front there we are, Barbie and Ken. And she says, "You know, we're not gonna put you out for this." And I said, "OK, I'll just put myself back in, then."

And she lays me on a gurney, and props my head up with a pillow, and she jabs a needle in my nards and says, "You might feel something." I said, "Resentment?"

Then the doctor walks in, and the room begins to spin, and I see my sex life flash in front of my eyes... Lisa, Claudia, Becky, Claudia, Laura, Chlamydia.

Then in a second, he's got me open. He's giving me a tour of my genitals. And he's lashing and frapping and clamping and snipping, cauterizing, tying off, ironing, signing his work. And, you know, speed in some service industries is a good thing. But you don't want a urologist who's worked at Benihana.

In all, it's about 15 minutes of excruciating inconvenience. And for two weeks I walked like C-3PO. But, I would recommend it to any man, because, you know, the spontaneity is great. Now, anytime I wanna shave my nuts, I do it!

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