TED HAGGARD IS COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL
words and music
copyright © 2008 by
Roy Zimmerman
copyright © 2008 by
Roy Zimmerman
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say “staggered”
He was one in a million, or more aptly one in ten
Some folks say he put the “men” in “Amen”
He preached the Gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
And traveled on his wayward way, betraying his betrothing
He was the soul of piety, and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
So he humbly went to counseling, and then
Three weeks later he’s born again...again
And now...
Ted Haggard is completely heterosex!ual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying here’s what Jesus thinks of all the pending legislation
And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife
He did some other things he tried to disavow
But he’s putting that all behind him now
What does Leviticus have to say?
Yeah, what does it say about being gay?
To lie with man is an abomination
Like cursing your parents, trimming your beard, planting wheat and barley in the
same furrow, eating pork, wearing polyester and masturbation
And what did Jesus have to say?
Yeah, what did he say about being gay?
Well, nothing...
Now Ted’s a little haggard, but he’s thankful for the schism
And you might find it hard to swallow the syllogism
That even evildoers have reason to rejoice
‘Cause they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
So don’t embrace the way God made you, here’s what you should do
Choose to be a hetero- and seven-foot-two
Because...
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
Now, Ted would like you all to know this story has a moral:
And of all the televangelists, his favorite is Oral
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
Once there was a preacher by the name of Ted Haggard
Who stumbled from the path, or you might even say “staggered”
He was one in a million, or more aptly one in ten
Some folks say he put the “men” in “Amen”
He preached the Gospel message of intolerance and self-loathing
And traveled on his wayward way, betraying his betrothing
He was the soul of piety, and no one doubted him
Until he hired a gigolo and used a pseudonym
So he humbly went to counseling, and then
Three weeks later he’s born again...again
And now...
Ted Haggard is completely heterosex!ual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
He telephoned the White House for a weekly consultation
Saying here’s what Jesus thinks of all the pending legislation
And marriage is a covenant between a man and wife
And homosexuals will fry forever in the afterlife
He did some other things he tried to disavow
But he’s putting that all behind him now
What does Leviticus have to say?
Yeah, what does it say about being gay?
To lie with man is an abomination
Like cursing your parents, trimming your beard, planting wheat and barley in the
same furrow, eating pork, wearing polyester and masturbation
And what did Jesus have to say?
Yeah, what did he say about being gay?
Well, nothing...
Now Ted’s a little haggard, but he’s thankful for the schism
And you might find it hard to swallow the syllogism
That even evildoers have reason to rejoice
‘Cause they can simply make a better lifestyle choice
So don’t embrace the way God made you, here’s what you should do
Choose to be a hetero- and seven-foot-two
Because...
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual
Glory How-he-blew-ya!
Now, Ted would like you all to know this story has a moral:
And of all the televangelists, his favorite is Oral
